boeserhimmel: (Sei/Sub)
[personal profile] boeserhimmel
One short, untitled, emotional softcore pornography fic! (193 words)
Fandom: X
Characters/Parings: Seishirou/Subaru
Rating: NSFW, hard R or something?
Notes: For [personal profile] les_lenne. Hopefully, it will make her horrible day a tiny bit better. <3
Criticism is very much welcome, as usual.



Subaru was glad he didn't have to see Seishirou's face as the man pounded him roughly into the mattress, his vice-like grip leaving bruises on Subaru's hips.

That way, he could pretend that Seishirou's features showed something different from his usual cold politeness. Subaru liked to imagine a soft shimmer of sweat on slightly reddened skin, wet lips parted slightly, and clouded, half-lidded eyes under a fringe that was every bit as tousled and sticking to his forehead as his own.
That way, it was easy to pretend that Seishirou's fingers dug so deep not to prove a point but because he had for once lost control, that Seishirou was giving everything he could give, which was very little, and taking everything he wanted – needed – which was so much more
Subaru liked to imagine it so much, in fact, that for a split-second he could actually see the image behind his eyelids, blindingly white, as Seishirou came inside of him with a strangled sound, taking Subaru with him.

Subaru kept his eyes closed, savouring the image, until Seishirou disappeared, leaving behind the lingering scent of cherry blossoms and empty places.

Date: 2012-01-13 10:32 pm (UTC)
les_lenne: (otp)
From: [personal profile] les_lenne
Ich finde, der erste Satz ist zu lang und auch der Ausdruck "pounded him roughly into the mattress" wirkt eher belustigend. Wenn du schon "pound" verwendest, kannst du roughly wirklich weglassen. Und "vice-like fingers" ... da hätte ich vielleicht eher "vice-like grip" verwendet. Will mir eher nicht vorstellen, dass seine Finger aussehen wie Schraubstöcke. Hat was von Edward mit den Scherenhänden.

"Subaru liked to imagine a soft shimmer of sweat over slightly reddened skin" Ich würde hier ja sagen "on [...] skin", weil über der Haut gibt's ja ... eigentlich nichts mehr.

Außerdem fehlt mir hier im Englischen dein Stil. Es liest sich weniger persönlich, bis auf "half-lidded eyes under a fringe that was every bit as tousled and sticking to his forehead as his own." und "that Seishirou was giving everything he could give, which was very little, and taking everything he wanted – needed – which was so much more –". Der Rest ist mir zu mainstream, da erkennt man nicht die Stimme des Autors.

P.S.: Wer nach dem Sex noch nach Kirschblüten riecht, wäre der/die reichste Prostitutierte auf der Welt.

Date: 2012-01-13 11:00 pm (UTC)
les_lenne: (the woman)
From: [personal profile] les_lenne
Ja, ich denke auch, das wird sich noch einpendeln. Man ist bei ner "neuen" Sprache anfangs einfach noch recht steif. Aber davon würde ich mich an deiner Stelle nicht abhalten lassen!

a.) XDDDD, b.) Das ist ja eigentlich mehr so eine Metapher, leere Orte riechen ja auch nach nichts speziellen. :D

Keine Sorge, das hab ich verstanden. Ich wollte nur einen dummen Witz machen. XD
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